Common Ground

In our enlightened times, men and women are no longer taking the he-renovates/she-decorates approach. More couples than ever are swinging hammers and shopping for furniture together. But working as a team rather than delegating can all too often lead to a design impasse.

And no room has the potential to become a battleground like the master bedroom. According to Michael Payne, the host and designer for HGTV's "Designing for the Sexes" and author of Let's Ask Michael: 100 Practical Solutions for Interior Design Challenges, while the kitchen, laundry room, and media room tend to belong to one spouse over the other, "the bedroom is a space that is truly theirs and shared by just these two people," he says.

Ideally, the bedroom should reflect both your personalities. The trouble begins when he wants a simple platform bed, window shades (or no window treatments at all) and an ultra-cool flat-screen TV while she longs to create a romantic lair with ornately carved antiques, beaded throw pillows, and windows layered with scarves and swags. Let’s face it, men and women still differ when it comes to décor.

So what appeals to men vs. women? Men often prefer a simplistic, even minimal look, says Payne. "They don't have a penchant for ornamentation." Styles like Mission, Mid-Century Modern, and Colonial appeal to men.

"Men like wood, especially dark woods," says Sharon Hanby-Robie, a Lancaster, Pennsylvania-based designer and author of Beautiful Places, Spiritual Spaces. "They're usually more concerned with furniture, and its quality and construction, than fabrics and patterns."

Men tend to focus on the overall look of the room. For women--let's just say that God is in the details. Styles like Victorian and Queen Anne, with rolled arms and detailed carvings, as well as fabrics in stripes, plaids and toiles fall into female territory.

Women are also more comfortable mixing styles and patterns. "Many women love to experiment by mixing things like plaids and stripes," says Payne. "For men, this can become a visual maze that translates into chaos. I have found most men are perfectly happy with plain fabrics in solid colors."

So how do you find decorating common ground? Designers offer these tips:

Put function before form: Start by determining the purpose of the bedroom. Will it be a sanctuary where you can get away from the kids to talk, read and watch TV? Or will it mostly be a place to crash at the end of the day? Will the bedroom also serve as a home office or exercise room? Consider building a partition wall or an alcove so that these areas aren't on view from the bed. If construction isn’t in the cards, a decorative screen will do the trick.

Decide what stays: The bedroom often becomes a catchall place for iffy items that we’re personally attached to but don't want to put in our home's public spaces. If there’s an heirloom piece or just something you can’t bear to get rid of, decide how it will work into the décor.

But know when to let it go. Hanby-Robie says one couple had agreed on a romantic bedroom in a red-and-cream color scheme. Their existing royal blue, yellow and orange quilt was anything but that. "The wife had made that quilt and wanted to display it," explains Hanby-Robie. "We had to persuade her they could find another place for it, perhaps on one of the children’s beds."

Find a style: Look through decorating books and magazines, mark photos of rooms and products you like, then see what your partner has chosen. You may be surprised to learn you both like certain styles, colors, or textures.

Choose a color scheme: A winning color combination works wonders when it comes to pulling together a room. Payne suggests pulling colors from an item you love, such as a vase or painting. Decorative fabrics are also great starting points. After all, "it is the job of fabric designers to pull together exquisite blendings of colors," he says.

Mindy Greenberg, a New York City-based interior designer, owner of Encore Decore, and frequent guest redesigner on cable TV's "Decorating Cents," says blue can be a perfect bedroom color. "It's peaceful, which is great for the bedroom; masculine, yet something women can relate to."

Another take on color, says Sarit Catz, an interior design consultant based in Short Hills, New Jersey, is to choose a color, then deepen it to masculinize it. "If she wants red, try a deep wine color," she explains. "If she likes peach, try a terra-cotta tone. If she likes baby blue, try a deep shade of azure. This is a great way to give her the color she loves while keeping him comfortable in what is, after all, a room they will share."

If you really can't find a color in common, stick with neutral tones for large areas like floors, walls, window treatments and bedding, then add splashes of color in accent pieces.

Contain clutter: In addition to clothing and accessories, what other items will be in the bedroom? Books? CDs? Knickknacks? Decide which items will be on display and which will be hidden behind closed doors. If one person is a collector, don't let the collection take over every available inch of shelf space, says Payne. Housing the collection in a cabinet with cabinet lighting will showcase and keep it from overflowing into the rest of the room.

Know when to get help: Most of us appreciate great design; not all of us have the knack for creating it. If you're really stuck, get advice from an interior designer. Even a consultation can leave you with great ideas.

Finally, you can't go wrong as long as you and your partner communicate, compromise, and be realistic. "It's about finding that middle ground," says Payne, "where the room may not be exactly what you each wanted, but both of you are happy with it."